How To Ask For Things: Tips for Getting What You Need

Learn how to confidently ask for what you need with practical tips and strategies.

Once, when I was a kid, I wanted nothing more than to hang out at my friend’s place. He was my best friend (at the time), and he lived right next to our house. It was always a good time when we hung out. But in a typical Nigerian household, convincing your mum to let you out wasn’t easy. My mum wasn’t exactly known for letting you step out anyhow– something about staying in your house and minding your business. 

I remember rehearsing my request over and over, anticipating every possible objection. With my heart pounding, I finally asked, and to my surprise, she agreed—though not without a lengthy list of conditions!

I’m pretty sure I’m not alone in this experience. But there’s something else. That moment taught me an important lesson: knowing how to ask for things can make all the difference. Asking for what we need can be daunting, but it’s a crucial skill that can transform our lives. Whether you’re negotiating a raise, seeking advice, or asking for help, knowing how to ask effectively is key. This guide will share practical tips and strategies to help you make confident and clear requests.

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Considerations before Asking

These are important things to keep in mind before you ask for anything.

1. No One is Obligated to Help You or Answer Your Ask
   Set your expectations low when asking for something. Expecting someone to say yes or to help you can lead to disappointment and strain your relationship. For instance, when I asked my colleague to cover my shift on short notice, I knew it was a big ask, and they might have other plans. Instead of assuming they would say yes, I made it clear that it was completely fine if they couldn’t help this time. This approach took the pressure off them and kept our working relationship strong, regardless of their answer.

2. Make Your Gratitude and Appreciation Loud and Clear
   Expectations can diminish appreciation from the asker and cause resentment from the asked party. For example, imagine you ask a friend to help you move furniture on a Saturday. If they help every time you move but never hear a thank you or see any acknowledgment, they might start feeling unappreciated. Even though they’re willing to help, constant reliance without showing gratitude can strain the friendship. This is why it is always important to express thanks, and showing appreciation for even the smallest of favors is crucial. Whether it’s a thank-you note, a treat, or just a heartfelt “thank you,” these gestures can make a big difference in how relationships are maintained and strengthened.

3. Don’t Assume Rejection
   Many people don’t ask for things because they fear rejection. If a salesperson asks for a sale 100 times a day, they’ll likely get more sales than one who asks only once. Or if you ask your neighbors for help with a community project and only ask once, you might not get much response. But if you ask multiple neighbors and try a few different approaches, you’ll likely find someone willing to help. This same principle applies to everyday life. The more you ask, the more chances you create for a positive outcome. Don’t let fear hold you back or assume rejection—just ask!

How to Ask Effectively

Now that we’ve covered some important considerations let’s discuss how to ask for things effectively. Here’s a formula some of the most successful askers use, especially for a ‘cold ask’:

1. Buy-In

Think of this as your ‘hook’—the initial pitch that grabs attention. A compelling buy-in can make the difference between a response and silence. Here’s how to craft a powerful buy-in:

• Commonality: Find a shared experience or interest to create an immediate connection. For instance, “I noticed we both attended the same university—did you also take Professor X’s economics class?” This approach personalizes your request and establishes common ground, making it more engaging.

• Interesting Project: Highlight something unique or noteworthy about your work. For example, “I’m leading a project that’s developing a new app to help urban farmers optimize their crop yields. We’re on the brink of a breakthrough and would love your insights.” This demonstrates the relevance and innovation behind your ask, piquing their curiosity.

• WIIFM (What’s In It for Me): Clearly articulate the benefits for the other party. For instance, “If you join our webinar, you’ll gain early access to our exclusive research and be featured as a guest expert.” This not only makes your ask appealing but also shows the value they’ll gain.

2. Introduction

Your introduction should be a brief but impactful summary of who you are. Keep it short and relevant to the context of your ask. For example:

• “Hi! I’m Chizoba, the founder of GoGreen Innovations, where we focus on sustainable tech solutions. We recently won an award for our eco-friendly smart sensors.”

A well-crafted introduction builds credibility and helps the recipient understand why your request matters.

3. Ask

Be clear and precise about what you’re asking for, and consider the recipient’s schedule and preferences. Here’s how to frame your ask effectively:

• Be Specific: Instead of a vague request, provide a clear action. For example, “Could we schedule a 15-minute call next week to discuss potential collaboration opportunities on our new initiative?”
• Be Considerate of Time: For busy individuals, propose a minimal time commitment. “I’d love to hear your thoughts on this over a quick 10-minute chat. If that works, please let me know a time that suits you.”
• Provide Flexibility: Offer options to make it easier for them to say yes. “If a call isn’t feasible, would you prefer to exchange a few emails or perhaps chat over coffee?”

Here are some examples of effective asks:

• Example 1: “Hey Jane! I saw your recent TED Talk on sustainable agriculture—such inspiring work. I’m Sam, a researcher focused on sustainable farming practices. Could we schedule a 15-minute call next week to discuss potential collaboration?”
• Example 2: “Hi Tunde! I’ve been following your podcast on tech innovations and love your insights. I’m Golibe, a software developer working on a new AI tool for education. Would you be open to a quick chat about possibly featuring it on your show?”

Asking for Introductions – The ‘Double Opt-in’

Sometimes, you may have a mutual that can connect you. As such, when asking for an introduction, understand that the person being asked has no obligation to meet you. Here are some points to consider:

1. The middleman usually checks with the other party before making the introduction.
2. If the other party declines, don’t take it personally.
3. Use a forwardable email for introductions. This method makes it easy for the middleman and ensures both parties agree to meet.
4. When you’re the one acting as a middleman, always ask both parties if they want the introduction. Even if you’re sure they would love to meet, asking is a necessary courtesy.

Sometimes, you’ll get rejections…

It won’t always be fruitful. Expecting rejection can help you handle it better. While aiming for success, keep your expectations low and don’t push too hard. Here’s how to manage rejection:

1. Practice Makes Perfect: Sending more requests can help you get used to rejection. For example, if you send 100 emails and receive 10 rejections and 10 successes, it’s less demoralizing than sending one email and getting one rejection.
2. Don’t Dwell on Rejections: After a rejection, distract yourself—go for a walk or focus on something else. Rejections that seem significant now may be forgotten in a few weeks or months.

Conclusion:

Understanding how to ask for things effectively is a practical skill that can make a real difference in various aspects of life. Applying the strategies outlined here can improve your chances of getting what you need while handling rejection more easily. Keep these tips in mind as you navigate your requests, and you’ll find it easier to achieve your goals.

Until next time, happy asking!